If you had asked me 18 months ago what my biggest fears were, I would have said number one is being buried alive and the second is change. The first one is kind of obvious...duh, but you have to read into the second one a little. I thought I was being all smart and economical at the time, because 'change' incorporates so many bad things all at once. Death is change, new things push you into situations and experiences that make you feel uncomfortable. Moving house forces you to leave behind a part of your past. By breaking up with someone-or beginning a new relationship-you risk disrupting whatever balance you have in your life already.
I spent my life doing drafts and rough copies of everything,
everything, so that I could know exactly what to expect and I didn't have to trust anything or anyone other than myself. I saw it as being prepared, being safe and being smart. But now I am starting to see it differently.
November 2009, the first milestone, the final day of school. It is a day that you hope for and dread, the day that you never think will actually come around. You hold onto that last week like hell, but it just flies past. It is terrifying to think that you step out of the gates and into the world, that you're on your own for sure. But it comes around and it goes past and you wake up the next day and it's ok. You haven't fallen off the edge of the world, and you certainly aren't alone.
A week after that, we moved. Just packed up and got out of there. I was on schoolies at the Gold Coast with about 40 people, and one by one they went home, but I just stayed there. No massive farewell party or anything, just kind of faded into the distance. It was sad. Really sad. But it was a new chapter in my life. Oh now I'm sounding like a motivational speaker. I'm even boring myself. Haha yay for me. But anyway, I was terrified about moving, and upset to leave everyone behind, but I think that coming to Ballina has been the best thing for me. It has certainly opened my eyes and shaken me out of that small mindedness that creeps up on you when you live in a place like the Island.
June 16th, 2010.
I get on a plane at Brisbane airport and as it takes off it hits me that I am heading to the other side of the world, completely alone. I literally don't know anybody that I will be working or living with, and all I have with me is one suitcase and a couple of maps. Talk about a new experience!
June 18th, 2010.
I get to camp a day late, and I am the only one not in uniform so I stick out like a sore thumb. It is actually one of the most awkward moments of my life. I start speaking to myself in my own head.
"Stop being a pussy and just introduce yourself to someone."
"I will I swear, not her though, she wasn't looking at me"
"What about her?"
"Mmmmm...too late now"
"Just do it. What's wrong with you?"
"Ok umm....."
"Oh for fuck sake, I'll do it"
So yeah, it was a good start. :| But by the end of the day I had met so many sweet girls, and some of them even turned out to be my best friends there, and I cried my eyes out when they had to go home. How strange is that?
August 17th, 2010.
I wake up in New York city for the first time. I can feel the city all around, it's like, there's this energy that runs through the air and it's exciting and new and I can't stop smiling. I have 8 days ahead of me to fill with whatever I want, and I don't even know where to start.
Before I went away, I meticulously planned everything. I was one of
them. I literally had all my days mapped out, down to where I would eat lunch and dinner as well as designated time to wander around the streets. When I got there though, it went out the window completely. I look at it now and wonder what the fuck I was thinking, having it all set out like that. I just woke up every morning, and went out at night not even knowing what to expect, not knowing what I was going to do. It was the best. We got lost in Brooklyn and stumbled upon thrift shops and markets and cute places to eat, I discovered a pretty intense basketball game in Greenwich Village where they played inside this metal fence like something out of a movie, we smoked cigars with random people at 2am, and fell asleep on the subway waaay too many times. I walked along a garden path high above the city, where the grass and plants grew wild and crazy, and spent so much money at lids (the hat shop) that they made me a member. I even got my own card. New York really is the city that never sleeps, and the people are what make it so amazing. Everyone I met, except for one stoned mexican guy on the subway, was so sweet and welcoming. I got invited to hang out with different people every day, and anybody, anywhere is always up for a chat about everything and nothing all at once. Before I went, I was warned not to go anywhere by myself, and told not to be offended if people were rude because "everyone in New York is mean and horrible." I can tell you for sure that I didn't experience that at all. I had the best time ever, saw almost every corner of the city and loved everything about it. You absolutely have to go. All of you.
Aaaand so, somewhere in all this craziness and adventure, my fear of change has evaporated. I don't freak out at the thought of having to introduce myself to someone new, or go somewhere I haven't been before. I love the thought of fresh starts and new looks. Of trying things for the first time. It makes me excited for the future, for my trip later this year with Claire, and for...well...life!
